Weakness is Ugly
by Arachnian
Summary: Fight Fic between Madara and Gilgamesh. Not meant to be taken seriously, this is a plot-less oneshot I wrote just so I could see two of the most ridiculously overpowered characters in modern anime fight each-other. Brief cameo appearances by characters from Bioshock Infinite, Hellsing, and Carnival Phantasm.


The Holy Grail stretched toward the sky, Angra Mainyu; all evil in the world, on the cusp of being wished into existence. On the opposite horizon from that dark tower, a towering humanoid monstrosity loomed, its massive central eye straining to open to cast the ultimate genjutsu upon humanity.

Each avatar of doom and apocalyptic destruction had appeared suddenly from the point of view of the other. Something had brought the two of them together, some quirk of space-time responding to the two climactic struggles, throwing the fates of both worlds together into one plane of existence.

How it happened didn't matter, though. Both masterminds noted the disruption, and in unison turned to their partners. The time of endings was too close for them to be distracted from their work.

Kirei, glaring at a steadily-approaching red-haired youth, growled to the golden-armoured man beside him.

"Go."

Obito, glaring at the golden nine-tailed form of his opponent, growled to the red-armoured man beside him.

"Go."

* * *

A shower of golden sparkles appeared from nowhere, forming a slowly swirling column of light in the wasteland. From the feet up, a figure began to coalesce, covered entirely in gold armour. Indigo designs swept across the face of his ostentatious full-plate, and rich red fabric flowed from his tassets to the bottom of his greaves. His haughty face was topped with a short mane of blonde hair, which stood on end. His crimson eyes glared across the span of bare, cracked earth as his opponent made his appearance.

There was a flash of light and a sudden explosion of dust and shattered stone that shook the ground. Standing up unhurriedly as the dust cleared was a tall, pale man who showed no sign of damage from his earthshaking three-point landing. He wore a long night-blue coat over his simple trousers. The coat was in turn covered by blood-red eastern-style lamellar armour layered over his chest, upper legs, shoulders, and upper arms. The symbol of a fan stood out proudly in red and white on his un-armoured back. He wore black gloves on his hands, which were currently clenched into fists, one of them holding a large paper war fan. Strange eyes stared out from under the fringe of his untamed mane of raven-black hair that stretched down to his waist. The eyes were grey and made up of concentric circles, seemingly drawing the onlooker into the void-black pupils at their center. The ninja's sandaled feet paced assuredly over the rubble left by his entrance as the two men walked a few steps closer, each carefully measuring the distance between them.

Sizing each other up, both made their silent appraisal.

_Spoiled princeling._

_Barbarian mongrel._

Madara and Gilgamesh folded their arms in unison, their sneers mirroring each other. Their antagonism only increased as each perceived that the other was imitating him to mock him.

* * *

As the tension built in the air, a small crowd of spectators watched the inter-dimensional conflict from afar.

"We know cooler heads should prevail-" began one twin.

"-but are we the only ones who want to see this?" finished the other.

The young woman in the blue dress who was with them shook her head vigorously, not taking her eyes off of the two handsome specimens before her.

A uniformed blonde-haired boy with black-furred, cat-like ears sticking out of his head was reaching enthusiastically into a paper bag filled with popcorn as he took in the scene.

"Ve might as well enjoy ze show before ve correct zis causality breach."

Five other catlike creatures, smaller than the boy, with simpler, more exaggerated features, settled in to watch the ridiculously non-canon battle unfold.

"Un-Un-Un!" The NEKO Spirit in a green dress nodded enthusiastically.

* * *

In less than the space of time it took to blink, Madara launched himself into the air once again, streaking across the landscape with his arm cocked back, opening the fight with a simple punch… a simple punch backed by all of his taijutsu mastery.

Instead of being reduced to a red smear against the rocks, Gilgamesh dematerialized in another shower of gold particles, forced into an embarrassing and mana-expensive retreat by the speed of Madara's attack. Rematerializing on top of a nearby hoodoo, he shouted down to the red-armoured shinobi.

"You dare attempt to raise a hand against me? The King of this world!"

Golden portals appeared in mid-air around Gilgamesh, from which deadly blades protruded.

"I'll see you die on your knees, mongrel!"

Half-a-dozen legendarily deadly weapons hurled themselves at Madara with blinding speed. Not bothering trying to dodge them, the red-armoured man drew a katana, seemingly from nowhere, and began to casually bat the blades away from himself. The final weapon shattered Madara's sword as the two clashed, causing him to frown in annoyance, breaking his mask of disinterest. The diverted weapons halted their course in mid-air, only to come whirling back at their target, speeding toward Madara's un-armoured back.

The triumphant grin fell from Gilgamesh's face as Madara erupted in an ice-blue corona of energy. A phantasmal set of ribs caged his form as the flying blades bounced harmlessly off of Madara's cold-burning Susanoo.

"King of this world?" Madara spoke evenly up at Gilgamesh. "I have bad news for you, whoever you are."

Madara's eyes narrowed and his mouth quirked into a small smile.

"Your reign ends tonight."

The resulting barrage of magic weaponry reduced the ground to powder, and carved a massive crater into the landscape. The sky surrounding Gilgamesh lit up with gold portals from horizon to horizon as he pushed the gates of his treasury to their limits.

Having still only expended a miniscule fraction of his wealth, Gilgamesh ceased his barrage to view the results.

A giant composed of blue flaring energy now stood in the pit. A second face emerged from the back of this now-complete Susanoo's head, and each of its arms split into two at the elbow. Glowing blades of energy emerged from each of its four hands.

Both combatants took advantage of the momentary stalemate to re-examine their strategy, each considering which attack to use to break their opponent.

_Well, he's definitely not using ninjutsu. _Madara thought, suspended inside Susanoo, now at eye-level with his enemy. His left arm and the clothes and armour covering it were slowly reforming due to the Reanimation jutsu. He had barely managed to upgrade his Susanoo in time to save himself from temporary obliteration.

_His power is something different. So he'll likely not be trained to resist genjutsu._

Switching his eyes out of Rinnegan, revealing the black-on-crimson of his Eternal Mangekyo, Madara locked his eyes onto Gilgamesh's own red irises.

"Sharingan!"

Nothing happened.

_Something must be shielding him. His will can't be that strong…_

Intensifying his gaze as the gold-armoured King made no effort to avert his eyes, Madara attacked again.

"Tsukuyomi!"

His anger dissipating, Gilgamesh grinned widely and began to laugh, folding his arms as he effortlessly resisted the effects of Madara's genjutsu.

_Impossible! His ego is __that__ powerful? A will so strong it cannot be separated from the reality it claims ownership of… Not even by __my__ eyes!_

_Well, laugh it up, 'your Majesty'. Let's see if you can dodge __this__._

"Amaterasu!"

Gilgamesh's laughter was cut off suddenly as black flames spread across his golden breastplate. His attempts to batter out the fire only served to spread it to his hands and arms. Giving a shout of anger that echoed through the barren wilderness, Gilgamesh shed his now-useless armour in a blast of mana, leaving his arms and torso bare. The armour now lay before him, still burning, but completely undamaged. Red tattoos glowed from his muscular chest, his hair no longer standing up from his head. Gilgamesh's cat-like eyes seemed to shine with power as he stared Madara down.

Not giving him a chance to use Amaterasu again, Gilgamesh drew two swords from the Gate of Babylon and leapt directly at his foe, attempting to smash Susanoo in melee.

Swapping his eyes quickly back to their Rinnegan form, Madara and his complete Susanoo raised their hands outwards.

"Shinra Tensei!"

The King of Uruk was rebounded backwards in mid-air by an invisible wall of force. Madara quickly weaved three hand signs before Gilgamesh could correct himself.

"Wood Style: Deep Forest Emergence!"

Serpent-like trunks burst from the earth below Gilgamesh, weaving themselves into a sprawling forest in seconds. Tress grew from trees which grew from trees as the massive wave of wood and leaves rose up to catch Madara's foe. Gilgamesh was completely entrapped by the branches and roots which encased the King in a living prison.

Madara never ceased weaving signs. A single drop of sweat emerged from his forehead as he summoned a second Complete Susanoo with an incredible effort of will. He and the two titanic forms surrounding him held three signs simultaneously.

"Tengai Shinsei!"

The dark clouds above the battlefield broke open as a massive meteor blotted out the night sky. It was aimed directly at Gilgamesh's forest prison.

Golden light shone from in-between the branches of the summoned trees before the entire structure was rendered into kindling by a shockwave of slicing blades which showered from Gilgamesh in every direction. Banishing the golden portals which surrounded him, the unscathed King held his arms up to the meteor bearing down on him, concentrating.

A large portal, larger than any so far, materialized as a solid disk of light that opened towards the sky. A large flying vehicle shot vertically from within the portal at full speed, remote-piloted by the will of its master.

_Go, my Vimana!_

The shining gold thunder-chariot with its glittering insect-like green wings slammed into the rock at full speed, the eldritch energies which powered its flight releasing all at once with the force of a nuclear explosion.

* * *

The crater was massive; the heat-glow of the cracked bedrock was just now dissipating and the air across the landscape shimmered and distorted.

Madara was standing in his previous position, all Susanoo's dismissed. He held his war fan out in front of him. A widening cone of untouched land spread outward from behind him.

Across from Madara was a mountain of shields. Layer upon layer made up the structure; every type of shield imaginable made up of every material and every design used throughout history. The outer layer had been burned black, and the weaker examples were crumbling and shedding themselves from the structure as they failed. Gilgamesh dismissed the remaining shields from his position within the centre. The blast had claimed more than half the shields in his treasury; a sacrifice he was not pleased with. His expression turned sour as he saw Madara, still untouched, standing across from him. The King's breathing was slightly heavier now. Such selective and fast-paced use of the Gate of Babylon took tremendous strength of will, even for one such as him.

The shinobi looked at his opponent anew from over the edge of the fan. His voice was filled with a newfound, honest respect.

"You dance well."

Gilgamesh said nothing. For once, he had no retort.

"But I wonder… Do you have enough shields in your vaults to protect you from that a second time?"

The King of Uruk's eyes widened as he realized what was about to happen.

"Uchiha Return!"

Madara rotated the fan, aiming its obverse face carefully at Gilgamesh as the full power of the energy it had absorbed was redirected and released directly away from it, speeding toward the unarmed King in a shockwave of light and sound containing the full force of the Vimana's destruction.

The truth was that he did not, in fact, have enough shields left to withstand that explosion again. He did possess a limited supply of magical shields that were touted as indestructible by legend, but the attack was too wide-range for that. Even if he used every unbreakable shield in myth and legend, the heat and energy of the explosion would find a crack in his wall and scorch him away to nothing. Gilgamesh had no way to build a shell perfect enough.

As he mentally went through his armoury with blinding speed in the fraction of a second it took for Madara's attack to reach him, something different stood out to him. There were new treasures he owned… Ones that had not been there before… Perhaps they were from the same source as the demonic statue on the horizon and the insolent easterner standing before him now.

Strange names flitted through his mind; The Seven Ninja Swords of the Mist, the Treasured Tools of the Sage of the Six Paths… Powerful weapons all, but not what he needed-

Ah. Perfect.

* * *

The dust settled once more, the energy of the blast again melting the terrain into glowing slag. Shock ran over Madara's face for an instant before being replaced with tremendous annoyance as he took in the sight of Gilgamesh wielding his war fan. It should have been impossible; after all, Madara still held his fan in his hand. However, he could somehow sense that the version his opponent held was not a copy. The fan was in two places at once. Smiling broadly, the King spoke as he rotated the ninja tool.

"To use the same manoeuvre twice in a row during battle would be unforgivably gauche of me. Not that I expect a mongrel like you to understand true elegance." He gestured lazily to the fan he held. "A rather plain-looking tool, I grant you, but certainly useful in the right situation. You see, everything in this world belongs to me. Every object and person within it owes fealty to me. This 'conflict' is no more than a distraction; a temporary amusement entirely under my control… Ready for the next round, mongrel?"

Gilgamesh swung the fan like a tennis racket, casually batting the all-destroying energies back at Madara.

"Return!"

Taken by surprise, Madara repeated himself, capturing the energy with his own fan and sending it back to his enemy.

"Uchiha Return!"

Laughing, Gilgamesh spun the fan deftly after catching the approaching fireball. It was as if he had been using the tool all his life.

"Return!"

A twisted game of badminton ensued; neither combatant could hold the titanic energy for very long. Madara kept hoping that inexperience with the fan would cause Gilgamesh to make a fatal mistake, while Gilgamesh was perfectly happy to continue the little game he was playing with his new toy.

Ultimately, it was Madara who lost patience first.

"ENOUGH!"

Madara caught the energy a final time and deftly released it upwards into the sky, finally expending it where it could do no harm. Casting his fan aside, he returned his eyes to their Eternal Mangekyo form and summoned a complete Susanoo around his body. He then charged recklessly at his foe, all four energy blades drawn.

_Just what I was waiting for!_ Gilgamesh thought smugly.

Banishing the fan back through the Gate, Gilgamesh instead opened portals around Madara's Susanoo. Chains rocketed through the golden discs, wrapping around Susanoo and halting its movement in seconds. The giant crashed to his knees immediately before Gilgamesh, entirely bound by the magical chains.

"These chains once held the Bull of Heaven. They cannot be broken. So now you'll stay nice and still in that form while I carve you out of your shell!"

As Gilgamesh made ready to draw all seven Ninja Swords from the Gate, Madara began to laugh softly from within the bound form of Susanoo.

Gilgamesh furrowed his brows. "Have I said something funny?"

Madara addressed his opponent, keeping his voice carefully steady.

"You're wrong, golden king. I have total understanding of the beauty and elegance of the battlefield. To repeat oneself so quickly is unforgivable. It demeans both the warrior and the enemy he fights. I have already used this next move once tonight; it pains me greatly to use it again so soon. Think of it as a tribute, if you will! You dance far too well for me to use anything but my full power!"

The chains were sundered in an instant; Gilgamesh barely having time to register their loss before his eyes were overwhelmed by the new sight before him.

A giant towered over the landscape, far greater than any that had come before. Fluid armour undulated over it for a moment as it burned with unfathomable chakra before stabilizing itself into the gigantic form of a warrior. Two red eyes burned from within its tengu-masked face. Two katanas the size of ancient trees were held by its secondary arms, while Madara awaited Gilgamesh's reaction from the gem-like 'seat' on the forehead of this Final Susanoo.

_I haven't had to use this much power this fast against someone in a long time… Not even the five Kage pushed me to this level this quickly… Only-_

_Only Hashirama has ever challenged me like this before._

"Rule what you will." Madara challenged. "Claim what trinkets you will. It matters not. Soon this world will slumber under the Infinite Tsukuyomi. Reality shall become a never-ending dream; and you shall see your folly!"

Gilgamesh's smile was almost sad as he replied.

"A world of never-ending slumber with you as the sole dreamer; a monumental task, indeed. I praise your efforts, at least. But foolish warrior, have you not learned?"

He withdrew a large ornate key from the gate.

"Dreams disappear when the dreamer wakes. Every last one of them with no exception."

Energy extended from the key as Gilgamesh turned it in mid-air. A web of pure thought spread vertically through the air; spreading and branching, tracing every hero, every story, and every legend back to its origin: The King of Heroes.

Gilgamesh now drew the origin of all swords; the fundamental concept behind weaponry itself: Ea.

"Therefore it was inevitable that I would be the one to stand in your way. Now know the end of your eternal dream. I shall show you the stark reality!"

"NOW AWAKEN EA! A STAGE WORTHY OF YOU HAS BEEN SET!"

Sensing the energy building from the sword, Madara hurriedly drew both of Susanoo's katanas from their sheaths and prepared to swing downwards with the intent to obliterate his enemy and a good chunk of the continent along with him.

_In the past I've called this Final Susanoo destruction incarnate… But now I find myself doubting it will be enough._

Gilgamesh paused, his expression still bittersweet as crimson energy rippled from the rotating sections of his ultimate weapon. The gigantic construct of blue energy bore down on him with its annihilating blades.

_I haven't had to draw Ea this quickly against someone in a long time. The only one to drain my treasury this fast was-_

_Enkidu._

Gathering his will and letting loose all restraint in light of the inconceivable power of his enemy, Gilgamesh pointed Ea directly at Madara and released its full might.

"LOOK UP AND BEHOLD:"

The swords clashed…

"ENUMA ELISH!"

…and the planet burned.

* * *

Gilgamesh patiently waited as Madara reformed. He had positioned his second Vimana so that the shinobi would reanimate within its protective air-shield. He had no idea if whatever reanimating effect the man was under would allow him to survive the vacuum of space. As well, having him aboard would allow them to speak.

He had changed into a fresh set of golden armour and was sitting on the Vimana's command throne. Ea rested across Gilgamesh's lap as he slouched, resting his head on his fist as Madara was fully restored.

Chunks of rock whirled around the small golden spacecraft in a massive debris field. The stars surrounded them. There was no sound.

For reasons he didn't fully understand, Gilgamesh had stopped just short of destroying his opponent utterly. Oh, his body was completely obliterated by the force of Enuma Elish, but Ea's power had been reined in just enough so that his ability to reanimate would be able to take effect. Even destroying the giant that protected him and penetrating to the man himself had had the unwelcome side effect of destroying the entire planet.

Surveying the utter destruction, Madara pondered the fact (as Gilgamesh had been doing for some time) that their reasons for fighting were now completely invalidated.

Turning on his heel, the ninja held out his hand to the still-seated heroic spirit.

"My name is Madara Uchiha…"

He paused to run his eyes over the shattered ruin once again.

"…the last shinobi."

His hand remained outstretched. It was not a bow… but neither was it a request for one.

The other man rose from the throne, leaving Ea behind on the seat. He grasped Madara's hand firmly and shook it; meeting his eyes friendlily.

"I am Gilgamesh of Uruk: King of Heroes… and I very much enjoyed our dance."

"As did I. Though it seems our stage has been ruined by the beating of our feet."

The Vimana accelerated through the swirling chunks of rock; taking off into the infinite star-field.

"Then, Lord Madara, we must find a new one."

* * *

Elizabeth: NOW KISS!


End file.
